I don’t know about you, but the teenage version of myself has muttered the words “You’re ruining my life!” toward my parents at least once. Whether that was because they refused to allow me to see a particular movie with my friends or because I couldn’t attend some other social function, there were many times that I felt as if they were “literally ruining my life!” Teenagers can be so dramatic.

The Ruin Your Teen Can Live With
As much as we can joke about the emotional rollercoaster that is a teenager’s life, there is a genuine danger of “ruining their life.” However, the way we define “ruins” matters. Your teenager will typically use the term to reflect their perceived social standing among their peers. This use of “ruin” (or a similar word) is usually short-sighted, immediate in nature, and exaggerated beyond reality. This use of “ruin” pulls at your emotional strings because no parent desires to see their child as social outcasts, even if you know this claim is overly dramatic.

When you yield to this second-hand peer pressure, you display the capacity to be bullied by your teen. Thus, the primary way the phrase “you are ruining my life” (or any variation of it) is used is as a transfer of peer pressure from your teen’s peers onto you, the parents. This type of “ruining” should not cause you to lose sleep at night. In other words, your teen will learn to cope with this type of “ruin.”

The Ruin Your Teen Cannot Live With
The other type of ruin that I have in mind is that practical, long-term, and soul-crushing kind. This is a literal ruining of your teen’s life. This ruination results from complacency, victimhood, poorly modeled behaviors, improper pressure points, and situational morality, to name a few. This type of ruin will rot your teenager’s soul in the same way that sugar will rot teeth. It’s not that the teeth can’t handle some sugar, but if they aren’t brushed well, and the cavities are ignored, the damage eventually becomes irreparable. What literally “ruins” your teen is the sugar of life without the brushing and dental fillings. It’s spiritual complacency fostered by parents because their children lack guidance and discipline. That is the kind of ruin that your teen cannot live with: a real, lasting, and comprehensive spiritual bankruptcy.

How Do You Avoid Soul-Rot In Your Teen?
There are many ways to “ruin” your teen. I won’t attempt to cover them all, but I will offer some suggestions for how NOT to ruin your teen:

1. Reject Relativism:

Point them to objective truth in the Scriptures. There can only be one standard for life.

2. Avoid Situational Morality:

If you believe in objective truth, convey that to your teens. Have an uncompromising Biblical commitment to what is right and what is wrong.

3. Model Godly Behavior:

This is closely tied to situational morality. Don’t merely express uncompromising Biblical commitment, but demonstrate it in your actions. Live a life worthy of being imitated.

4. Understand Sexuality:

Marriage is covenantal. Sex is covenantal. Sexuality isn’t a grey area. The Bible is abundantly clear as to what type of relationships are godly and fruitful. Be faithful in your marriage covenant, and make sure your teens understand why it matters. Sex before marriage is more than a mistake–it isn’t boys being boys–it’s a covenantal ceremony before God that your teen has no intention of honoring.

5. Teach Responsibility:

We live in a culture that rallies behind victims. Usually, this is a desirable quality. However, this trait can have the downside of fostering a victim mentality. Avoid this mindset by instilling the mental toughness and perspective that trains your teen to persevere in all circumstances. After all, the path of a Christian goes through the valley of the shadow of death, not around it.

6. Aim For Education, Not Schooling:

Everyone parent wants their teen to excel in their academic endeavors. However, the goal of education is not just to pass tests but to internalize and apply that information. A head full of knowledge without any framework for applying that knowledge means your teen has been “schooled” but not educated. Provide a framework for understanding what they have learned.

7. In All Things, Christ:

Live for Christ. As Doug Wilson likes to say, “All of Christ for all of life.”

Conclusion

Your teens live in a social context that is presented as primarily grey, with very little black and white. Their peers will embrace the grey. Their teachers will teach the grey. But, your God-given task is to show them how to interpret the grey for what it often is: evil called good, and good evil; darkness for light, and light for darkness; bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter (Isaiah 5:20).

The reality is that there just isn’t that much grey in the world.

If, at some point in your teen’s life, they don’t feel as if you are “ruining their life” you may be doing this “parenting” thing wrong.

While I hope that you will “literally ruin” your teen’s life in some ways, I pray that you won’t in the ways that matter. It’s okay to ruin your teen’s life, just don’t do so literally.